Q: My wife has made false complaints against me for violence and also something like I had "neglected to maintain the children", that I didn't take care of their financial needs. Actually she has been quarreling with me since my company ran into some financial problems and she has been very abusive, calling me "not a man". I merely shouted back at her after Icouldn't take her abuse anymore. I have also managed to borrow some money from my friends and my parents to pay for some of the children's needs. Am I in serious trouble because it's the Women's Charter?A: I'm sorry to hear this distressing news. You must be feeling really awful now. At the same time, I making a guess that your marriage is going through a pattern of quarrels which repeats itself and grows worse over the same issues. Sometimes, it's about money; sometimes about the way the children are raised or about each other's parents. Or all the above.
If I had correctly described your marriage situation, you should consider how to stop the pattern of quarrelling between the 2 of you.
You will not improve your situation by criticizing the Women's Charter, which has also empowered officials to witness your marriage vows. The ones where you as a couple promised to love and honour each other in sickness and health, for ricer and poorer, in good times and bad.
Instead, it will be more constructive if you gather letters, notes, witnesses to your quarrels etc to show that you have tried to be reasonable. Also, get hold of receipts, bank statements and any other proof of your efforts to get money for the family's needs. With all these ready, you will be more prepared to discuss all these matters with your wife.
If it is difficult for the two of you to discuss matters without getting into a quarrel, try having a marriage counselor or a mutual friend be a moderate or mediate if possible. Keep in mind that even if you were to go make a complaint at the Family Courts, you would also be sent to speak with a counselor.
For the sake of your children, the both of you should try working out a written agreement on how muchyou will contribute towards the family's financial needs each month. This agreement can be taken into consideration by the courts if you decide later to get divorced. Or, ifyou are considering getting divorced now, you may wish to include an agreement to live separately along with your agreement on contributing to the family's financial needs. This is beneficial because:
- You will be separating your quarrels and marital unhappiness from the "bread and butter" needs
- The marital quarrels are less likely to spill over to the practical issues which must be taken care of so that the children do not face further hardship than they are already experiencing
- You may actually be better able to reconcile during this separation period (usually 3 years), in which case you can both agree to end the separation
- Even if you do not reconcile, a separation agreement normally treats the separation as the only proof needed that the marriage has broken up irretrievably. This means there is no accusation that anybody has been unreasonable or unfaithful. When such accusations are made, the process of getting divorced is likely to be delayed.
You may ask: why should I go through so much trouble instead of filing for divorce straight away? Aren't there cases where people just got divorced within 6 to 9 months? It is true that there are cases where the divorce proceeded very smoothly and quickly. However, such cases are less common. They are usually the result of the parties agreeing to give up a lot financially just to get divorced faster. Your situation does not seem to be the same as those divorces.
Nov 21, 2008 - 09:47 PM
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