WWLegal.com :: New Court Jester: Lawyer In Flight

New Court Jester: Lawyer In Flight
Posted on Tuesday, February 20, 2007 - 12:00 AM

While on board a flight from Nowhere-In-Particular to Nowhere-Else, a lawyer heard the following.

Flight Attendant: "Salutations, and welcome aboard Flight 498 to Nowhere-Else. If you're going to Nowhere-Else, you're in the right place. If you're going to Somewhere-Else, you're about to have a really long evening ...

We'd now like to tell you about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is -- the flight attendants. Please look at one now. There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the wings, and one out of the plane's rear. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please don't store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you will be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows ...

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things (oxygen masks) will drop down above your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendants are showing you now. The bag will not inflate, but there is oxygen there -- I promise. If you're sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put your mask on first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, then work your way down ...

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer -- it makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out now and play with it.

Now please take a moment to make sure that your seat belts are fastened low and tight around your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it is a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you are in an airplane -- Hellooo!! ...

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume that you're on fire and put you out. This is a free service that we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one on the outside of each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight -- hold on, let me check and see what it is ... Oh here it is, the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind' ...

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it is going to get really dark, really fast. If you are afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please do not press the orange button (attendant) unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat's ejection button. Just kidding. We are glad to have you on board with us today, and thank you for choosing XXX Airlines."

News